sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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