you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Randomize
