I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
