Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
