I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
