today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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