How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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