Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
