So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
