apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
