I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
