i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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