eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
