I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
