We're like a lot better than the average bears
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
