I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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