I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
