New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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