Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
