I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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