I'm going to jail i love you
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
