he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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