Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
