I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
