When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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