thus making me awesome and them whores
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
