just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is Oprah even human
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
