he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
