Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
