go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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