get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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