U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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