you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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