and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
