When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
