At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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