Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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