I am spending my child support on dildos
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All the doctor said was why
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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