Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
