If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
