70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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