if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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