He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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