I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
