I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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