My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
