Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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