Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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