I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
