He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
