he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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