he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
