i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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