You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
