I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
