This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
