i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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